"Disappointment" is the word that best captured today for me. And it weighs heavily in my heart.
One of my customers lied a really big lie. Let's just say it may as well have been fraud. And though it was work related, it turned my mind to other things I felt disappointed by. Cynics would say that if you expect nothing then you won't ever be disappointed. Frankly, that's not an existence I know, nor is it one that I wish to know.
My trust was betrayed, and my faith in others diminished.
It surprised me that despite my experiences, even at this age (of ripe old 29), that behavior like this still manages to ignite an emotional response in me. I still vehemently believe that people are inherently good. It's so unfortunate that we still allow fear to drive our ability to make difficult choices especially when those opportunities present themselves.
Perhaps I am naive. But, I don't want this part of me to fade away. I stubbornly hang onto this belief that people are capable of more, of better. I want to continue to believe and hope and dream of better tomorrows filled with better things and a better existence.
It isn't that hard...or is it?
I don't understand, and it makes me sad (though I might react angrily).
So strange...when I'm still and my mind is quieter, and my heart is calmer, that I find myself still trying so hard, maybe too hard, to pretend to be so strong. It's not to say that I'm not, in fact I know I am especially given all that I have had to endure up to this point in my life. But, I still keep my guard up and everything at a distance because like everyone else, I too fear. I am afraid of being disappointed once more.