Friday, January 15, 2010

Anxiety in San Francisco

The anxiety is overwhelming. I was overcome with fits of hyperventilation, my heart was racing, and every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was chaos. "breathe....just breathe...Breathe........Damn IT! BREATHE! Calm down!" I kept repeating to myself. It doesn't help. All those brochures and self-help pamphlets that emphasize the value of meditation to one's mental health cross my mind and then they're quickly thrown into the fire. Fire. Yes, a cigarette is just what I need to help me calm down. I step outside and have one, come back inside only to pull another comfort stick out of my yellow pack, step outside and have another. The second one was better. If only I could find a way to somehow fall asleep. I need so desperately to rest. I lay prostate on the bed, but my heart races on.

Blind faith. I need blind faith. It only works if I believe and my mind keeps playing tricks on me. I feel so defeated.